BDSM Education - The LITERAL basics (and other resources)

BDSM - The LITERAL basics

BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism. It is a broad term encompassing consensual activities and dynamics that involve power exchange, physical sensation, or psychological interplay. It’s important to note that BDSM is not inherently sexual; for some, it can be about emotional connection, trust, or personal expression.

There’s your boring word-for-word definition. So, let’s get into it now; what does that mean to you and me? The number one thing to know, whether you want to try it or not, is that BDSM is about consent and mutual enjoyment, not abuse or coercion. The experience should be enjoyable for BOTH parties, and they should be comfortable (emotionally) entering the scene, especially if it is extreme.

We will discuss a long list of definitions another day because, let's be honest, it’s a lot. I will guide you like my subs, and we will explore in baby steps. Today, though, let’s touch base individually and briefly on the main terms above.

Bondage

"I like to be tied up, tie others up, or maybe just enjoy the sight of someone who can’t wiggle away. It’s all about ropes, cuffs, or anything else that turns a body into a neatly packaged bundle of fun."

Discipline

"I enjoy setting rules, breaking rules, or creatively enforcing them. Whether it's a stern tone, a firm hand, or the threat of something 'worse,' discipline keeps everyone on their toes (or in their place)."

Dominance

"I like being in charge. Whether that means barking orders, being called a title of my choosing, or simply deciding when the fun begins and ends, I’m here to lead—with authority, of course."

Submission

"I like letting someone else take control. Whether it’s following instructions, being guided, or simply knowing someone else is steering the ship, I find joy in saying, ‘Yes, Sir/Ma’am/Your Highness.’"

Sadism

"I like inflicting a little pain—but only on people who like to feel it. Whether with whips, pinches, or a perfectly timed verbal sting, I get my kicks from their deliciously twisted reactions."

Masochism

"I like the sweet, sharp thrill of pain—or maybe just the marks it leaves behind. Whether it’s a slap, a scratch, or a little bite, I’ll take the hurt if it comes with a smile (and maybe another round)."

Warning: If any of the above terms trigger a special feeling in your happy place, you might be interested in exploring BDSM.

Rules for BDSM scenes

Safe and consensual, that is it. It’s really very simple. There is no rule book for sex. The is no rule book for what gets your dick hard, pussy wet, or whatever feeling you enjoy in a weird way that I don’t know how to describe. BDSM relationships should be treated like all others, approached with open communication, RESPECT, and sure not to cross any boundaries that were agreed upon. Otherwise, you do you, get out of there and let your flag fly! If you don’t like it, that’s ok; you can try again in a different scenario, or not.

Just because something is listed up there doesn’t mean you have to participate in any or all of the parts of it. You might like water sports, but only when you are doing the peeing ABSOLUTELY NOT being peed on. Someone else might only like drinking it and think it’s gross to be peed on. It’s ok to only like light spanking or enjoy not being able to sit after because your ass is so red and swollen. Explore away; sometimes you never know what surprise you’ll find enjoyment from. In my opinion, it’s excellent when exploring with a new partner to have two safe words I recommend stoplights as most people understand them, and they are the most common safe words. I tried to get “don’t stop” to catch on, but it didn’t.

Yellow – I am excited but also very nervous by this idea as you are approaching it, and it could be something that is a hard limit for me. I’m nervous you might cross it the line and I want to be clear with my boundaries before proceeding.

Red—Hard stop, do not pass go, do not collect $200. Aftercare* should be applied.

*Aftercare is a crucial part of any BDSM activity. It focuses on the emotional, mental, and physical well-being of everyone involved after a scene. While the thrilling moments of a scene often take center stage, aftercare is where partners reconnect, process the experience, and ensure that everyone feels safe and cared for.

Think of aftercare as the cool-down after an intense workout, only here, it’s for your body, mind, and heart. Whether the scene was intense, playful, or deeply emotional, aftercare helps partners transition back to their everyday selves and reinforces the trust and connection they’ve built.

Oh, look at that damn trust and connection coming up, again. You’ll see that A LOT. Blind submission is unsafe in practice and highly discouraged for safety.

Why the fuck would you like that?

The reasons people enjoy the practice can vary; it should never be inherently harmful or deviant, though. The most common reason that I personally have come across for submission has to do with the power exchange and getting to be vulnerable. People want a safe way to explore things that are of a huge contrast to their normal lives. As a Domme, it is most often men who feel like they are never allowed to relax or enjoy not having to think for themselves for a bit that you see come along. It is definitely not the only reason, though. Myself personally, I can not explain to any vanilla person in my life the amount of trust and intimacy that this kind of dynamic can create. There is a direct need for being completely open and vulnerable, which is often lacking in other relationships. This is very commonly then told to the dominant and or submissive openly and easily with full trust and acceptance. People feel that most people would judge them for their desires, and they’re right, snooty bitches lol. Fuck ‘em. Most people judging you only do it because they're worried you'll notice their life isn't perfect either.

Another very common reason is for a cathartic-like emotional release. BDSM can be like emotional therapy but with paddles and safe words. For the submissive, they gets to take a break and release control, enjoy knowing that the dominant will take care of them and their needs. The dominant gets to use whatever fun ideas that have been agreed upon. Usually, they really enjoy watching and taking care of the submissive. I will never forget a friend who had a girl ask her to just spank her because she needed it; it was just one of those days. He did just that, nothing else. They went about the date, there was nothing else even remotely sexual. It's not always about the sex, especially after a much-needed scene has been finished, and you get to have some snacks, hydrate, talk, cuddle, maybe cry, and move on with your day. Sometimes, it’s better than any therapy.

Some people are searching for personal fulfillment, and some might be struggling with their identity and boundaries.  I have never met people who are more accepting than in the BDSM community, maybe like concerts, but I think that Ven diagram probably has a lot of overlap. The general rule of thumb in the community is, don’t yuck someone else’s yum. It’s there to help make people more self-aware but in a structured and safe way. Let them push the boundaries. Yes, they matter, but we like to explore, and that is why the safe words are in place duh.

I think physical pleasure is going to be the most common way that vanilla people will look at BDSM. That’s okay, but it's also good to inform you that maybe they will want to explore. Yeah, your aunt got drunk on wine and was telling everyone how into BDSM and spanking her husband she is. It still counts, even if they ended up not exploring more. There’s this excitement to the pain and a memory and affection that comes with marks that are very special.

What it is not, so be sure to keep it that way, Thanks

Abuse. This is, unlike abuse, consensual. It should be agreed upon by both parties, and it should emphasize respect.** Pain is also another factor that people think has to be involved (hence spanking auntie). Some people really enjoy the mental side and having the person to communicate with. It’s not all a bunch of mentally ill people. Sure, we have our issues; who doesn’t. We just admit we like some different things and want to see what else is out there.

**These relationships are not one-sided, and if you don’t understand that, you need some more education before you proceed. Scroll to the top and start again. If stuck in a loop re-evaluate your life and come back another day.

Resources to Learn More About BDSM

Books and Guides

• The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book       by Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy – Excellent guides on the roles of Tops and Bottoms.

• Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns       by Philip Miller & Molly Devon – A beginner-friendly introduction to BDSM.

• SM 101: A Realistic Introduction        by Jay Wiseman – Practical advice for newcomers to BDSM.

Online Communities and Websites

• FetLife: A social networking site for BDSM practitioners and enthusiasts fetlife.com

• The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF): Offers educational resources and advocacy for sexual freedom.        https://ncsfreedom.org/

• Kinkly: Articles and guides for understanding BDSM and sexual wellness.         https://www.kinkly.com/

Workshops and Local Groups

• Look for local BDSM organizations, "munches" (casual meetups), or workshops in your area.

• The Society of Janus: A nonprofit education organization for BDSM enthusiasts with resources and events.         https://soj.org/

Hope this helps.

Good luck, darling.

Have fun, and be safe.

Goddess Jackie Johnson

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