Ready for My Life?
- Goddess Jackie Johnson
- Mar 9
- 10 min read
I created this blog as inspiration for my sub N.H., who was writing here with me. It was something I saw in him that he used writing his thoughts as an outlet. He was extremely reflective and even kept screenshots of conversations to look back on. He had been participating in BDSM for months with no fundamental knowledge of it, just basic ideas of what might get his little dick hard.
What was going on in my life, the background of all this, is something that I haven’t shared with many people. I did share with him throughout this journey, though. My husband saw a change in me. One night in early January, he came into my office and saw me typing away and giggling on my computer. He said, “I have never seen you so happy or passionate about anything before, ever.”
Holy shit was all I could think to myself. He had already left but we had been together 6 years, and he never saw me this happy. That’s kind of fucked up, right? This made me go to him with my thoughts, and we have had many conversations over the last several months since that one. When I say many, I mean, at first, one a week, then a couple a week. I went out of town for 3 weeks, and we had a talk, twice. I came back and we have had a few more. It’s been so interesting how hard it was to open up. How scared I was of him accepting that side of me and how much I had repressed because of it.
The conversations initially started last summer. My friend was having subs and doing some domme things, and talking about it excited me. I wasn’t working, and after a little bit, my husband agreed to let me start selling feet content and domming a little. That thought slowly led to me wanting more. When it came to that, we talked about it, and then more and more little things were added, until we got to the blog and a sub with whom I had regular video calls and played video games, who was there for me and helped support me in the educational ventures. My husband agreed that he wasn’t enough for me in that I needed a lot of attention, but in a way that I overwhelm him, and he does not enjoy BDSM aspects at all.
These last 4 weeks I have let the blog sit, though, because I was out of state. I had planned to work on it and I tried, but I was helping my friend through her divorce out of state, in an apartment, we were moving and unpacking with her kids. I also had a sub who was having very high highs and low lows that we couldn’t settle and the passing of his family member. It was fine, she needed support, and he needed support so I was there 100%.
The thing that I forgot, and a lot of other people do as well, is that I have an autoimmune disease among other things issues. So after 2 ½ weeks of that and some health things I kind of crashed. Hard. I had trouble waking up, but their issues were mostly resolved and so it was ok. I don’t remember a lot about that week I slept a lot. I started the 18 hours home. I had to stop in Oklahoma. (This ended up being at a sub’s house. There was a session and details on that are soon to come.) This is the first time I have not been able to make it, but I was so grateful for the connection. I had lost my voice by the time I had gotten to his house.
Sunday I drove the rest of the way home, saw my husband and animals and rested and slept. Monday was my birthday, still no voice, lots of sweet praise and affection. N.H. wrote a poem about his love and care for me. It was so so sweet. I had so many messages from people and some sweet gifts. Still exhausted, I went to sleep and woke up Tuesday still sick, called into work, slept till 11, checked in with N.H. and kept on with the day I think. I know I had a massage, I know I was exhausted, I remember it was ok. We were going to do a video call, but I spent time with my husband that night first for another talk.
I talked with my husband for a few hours, about how I wanted to fuck the sub during my session in person. This is a big deal. It’s the first time I have expressed wanting to have sex with someone else. So we talked about what I need, what I desire, and how I feel. Our different views, do we need a sex counselor, what kind, etc. I told him that instead of making him feel inadequate in any way, I could just stop it all and end everything. I wanted to keep N. H. but everything else could stop if he wanted. He didn’t want me to stop, he didn’t want resentment on something that obviously is on my mind and we need to address. He offered to try to be more sexual to me. I have always told him I don’t enjoy him trying when he’s obviously faking it, and if he doesn’t enjoy it; that’s not sexy. I always compare it to his secret kink after 6 years together, I still didn't know. Partly because he had shame around it in how I would think or treat him differently. Partly he didn't want me involved in anyway as he knew I wasn't into it, so it would ruin it for him. Yet he couldn’t see how I felt the same in this situation. This is Tuesday I was going to meet with N.H. I look for my phone for half an hour, and then finally message him a little after 8. He is tired and declines. I told him too bad, as I was going to let him get off. We joke around and he goes to bed.
For some reason, this also made my husband want to try to express more desire the next day. I didn’t feel great; I was tired, sick, and exhausted, and he was faking desire and lust. I am not one to be polite for others feelings, and I ask him to stop. It’s not sexy. I don’t remember much else that day. honestly, I worked all day; it was busy, and I was still so tired. I had another talk with my husband, I can tell that it's fake, don't do it. My head is a little clearer so I start workin on the website. Watched Bonding with my N.H. and continued working on it. W joked, and I teased him. I decided we don’t cum on Wednesdays. Why? just because he expected it. We finish the show, say good night, log off, and send a couple of messages. There's a lull, and I go to talk to my husband and leave my phone. I get excited and I spend an hour talking to my husband in the kitchen about the sessions, and what we did and why I like it and why it’s different. I forget my phone, I lose it all the time not a big deal.
I come back to messages of disappointment. N.H. was looking for more of a cool down before bed, tells me he needed aftercare and he doesn’t want to talk about it. I’m very confused. I apologized; I thought he had gone to sleep as there had been a pause, and we had said goodnight on the call. It hadn’t crossed my mind that he needed more at that time. I had planned on coming back and releasing him, but it was not right. He came back we talked I apologized he went to bed.
The next day, I worked, and we talked all day; it was calm and collected. We went over him wanting a little space to be less obsessed. We talked about having a little distance for him and slowing things down. That night he sent a message of his feelings. They included I should have slowed him down or explained what a collar was to him when he was forcing his leash into my hand when we started. He feels the relationship had gone backward in terms of communication or explanations, and he felt that we were moving the dynamic very fast and should slow it down.
It felt like a slap in the face to me like I had been bad, and he felt like I was forcing him. I did not see it or understand where it was coming from. I told him that his feelings didn’t make any sense. Which he understandably was defensive about. He had thought hard about it and wrote it down to share, so I would just acknowledge his feelings. I went over with him, that he didn’t take into account what my feelings were during those situations or how those things go in other similar online dynamics. We had spent 2 weeks talking before I allowed him to be owned by me. He did purchase items and wear that could be considered collars, but they weren’t bought with that intent, so I let him do it. There is no significance behind something if the person doesn’t acknowledge or know what it might mean. It was a cute dedication until we saw and talked about what it meant and decided what it would mean for us. In terms of the relationship working backwards, relationships evolve slowly, you learn, grow, and explore together. No one comes together on the same page with the same communication style. Finally, with the dynamic moving fast, in the 3 months together, we had very, very few sessions. There were a lot more emotional dynamics and mental situations.
The only issue is that this caused an absolute panic attack for my pet. He cried, thought I was mad, and thought he was going to lose me. I couldn’t even understand; I have never been mad. He apologized for moving too slowly? I can’t even understand that, as I have never had an issue with where we are; I always go with the other person. He was sorry, and I wasn’t mad. I was just having a conversation, I thought. I tend to converse by saying how I see things in response to something I don’t understand. I mean it as a starting point. To see what I missed or you missed and go from there.
We talked, he felt better, we talked more. He went to bed, an hour or so later I texted that I wanted a reset. Get off tonight, and let's have a calm tomorrow. I woke up to a thread of such happy excited text, pics, images ect. He got off twice willing to accept punishment. It was a reset, I said there’s none. We talked, and it was a normal, happy day. He told me his friend mentioned RSD, I asked what it was, and he told me Rejection Sensitivity Disorder. I say oh yes, you totally have that. You’re right now that you mention it. He asks why I didn’t mention it before, and I honestly didn’t think of it. It’s still a newer term that I’m aware of sometimes. I forget though of course. I tell him I'm sorry I didn't think of it. How I found out I had it a year ago, and how I’ve worked to get through it.
The next thing I know, I get the message I could never have imagined I’d see that day.
I need to really have a real talk. I am not overthinking I am in a very clear headspace and I want to explain what matters to me, my mental health, I do not want to continue participating in BDSM and I want to withdraw consent and peacefully end our dynamic.
I am not ghosting or cutting contact at all, but also I do not want a call or anything at this time.
Ok.
That’s all I replied because it was clear and I felt ready to wait for him, he wasn’t going anywhere. An hour later the server announced someone left. I look at things and see he has deleted and left everything connected to me on socials. I message his discord confused and we are no longer friends.
I literally don’t know how to respond to this as he has been so close and involved in everything that I have been doing. So I message my co-host. She says change all the passwords, I tell her no, wait, he said he will message me. She asks if I’m ok, I say yes, just sad and confused. I reach out to some other people, subs, and doms I have talked to, looking for some comfort; no one is free. My husband comes home late and exhausted, and I’m so nervous to tell him how sad I am that he will want me to stop, and I’m not sure what’s happening yet. We talk and cuddle. He goes to sleep I stay up. Restless until I finally go to sleep.
I sleep all the next day, I mean all day. My husband comes to check on me twice. I wake up and cry and drink water and go to sleep. I relaize I need to tell him so I get up and go to his office, he stops what he's doing and we talk. I tell him that I will always want more. More than just getting to domme while I’m clothed. I want to get off, and I also want to bottom. I know he will not be comfortable with me coming home with marks. I tell him that I can end it all. Right now. I would rather otherwise it’s like a taste of frosting and I can never get satisfied or I feel like to be satisfied with the whole cake. Just a tease and I have to hide the desire. He said what about N.H. I teared up and told him that he left. So, since I had offered to quit it all except him, now's the perfect time as he left me. I didn't know how he would feel seeing his wife hurt over losing someone like this in this way. I stared at him, he looked upset and thinking, I asked what was wrong.
“I’m so sad, that you lost your friend. I know how much he meant to you.” Was his reply. I definitely broke down, not expecting that support; I told him I expected the opposite. We talked about everything again and what I like and need. He finally told me his kink as well with me trying to compare us doing them together.
As our compromise, he will let me do anything I want online only. Any relationship—dynamic, whatever I dictate—he is good with because he knows how happy I am when I’m fulfilled that way.
This whole thing was written in such a mix of tears I can't explain. So things are going to change here, as I am changing. My relationships are changing, and what I can do and what I want to do are starting to fully align with not guilt. It’s going to be slow still, but even with those bad things, all the relationships here that will hurt me, I do have an amazing partner. I just have to tell him everything, and I’m okay with that. It’s been so amazing doing so.
This page is also going to become more of a personal blog. So expect more of my daily life, sessions, and interactions. I will continue with the education and also some stories from others as they come.
Have fun, Be safe
Stay kinky
whomp whomp