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How to Be a Dominant in BDSM: A Guide to Confidence, Control, and Connection

Many people experimenting with BDSM want to know how to be dominant. While some traits may come naturally, there is always a lot to be learned. The differences of domination, controlling, or abusing someone are distinct enough that some guidelines are necessary. 

BDSM is more than just tying someone up or issuing commands. Dominance isn’t just about bossing people around. It’s about leading with confidence, communicating clearly, and creating a safe, consensual space for everyone involved, while finding your niche in the BDSM world.


Whether you're new to dominance or looking to refine your skills, this guide will help you develop your dominant persona



 1. Understand What Dominance Means


Dominance in BDSM isn't about barking orders or exerting control without regard. It's about creating structure, guiding your submissive, and building trust. A good Dominant:


  •  Establishes clear boundaries and expectations: From the outset, define what is and isn't acceptable. This includes safe words, hard and soft limits, and the rules of engagement. Clear boundaries ensure that both partners are comfortable and respected.


  • Prioritizes their submissive’s safety and well-being: Ensure that your submissive feels secure physically, emotionally, and mentally. This involves being attentive to their needs, providing aftercare, and preparing for potential medical emergencies.


  • Communicates openly and consistently: Effective communication is crucial. Discuss desires, limits, and any issues that arise. Regular check-ins help build trust and ensure that both partners are satisfied with the dynamic.


  • Exercises self-control and patience: A dominant should have a high degree of self-control and patience. This means managing your own emotions and responses, especially under stressful situations. Patience allows your submissive to explore their limits at their own pace.


Being dominant is a responsibility. It’s about providing structure and leadership, not just taking power. A dominant should be a source of stability and guidance, helping their submissive navigate their desires and limits. Dynamics are meant to be beneficial to both sides. 


I remember when I was first starting out as a Domme. It was hard for me to find my style, the subs who approached all wanted to call me mommy. Not for me, at all. It took some time, some dynamic fails, and a session that ended up with ME being the one feeling humiliated…But here we are now!


 2. Build Your Confidence


Confidence is one of the most attractive qualities in a Dominant. If you’re new to this, it’s okay to start slow and develop your dominant energy over time. Ways to build confidence include:


  •  Educate yourself: Read about BDSM dynamics, attend workshops, and learn from experienced Dominants. The more you know, the more comfortable you'll be in your role.


  •  Practice body language: Maintain intense eye contact, use controlled movements, and develop an authoritative presence. Your body language should convey confidence and control. Even a well-placed smirk can be unraveling when used at the right time.


  •  Use your voice: A firm, steady tone conveys dominance and control. Experiment with different speaking styles to find what suits you. Remember, confidence isn’t about arrogance. It’s about knowing who you are and what you bring to the dynamic.


3. Communication is Key


With communication, you must start with getting consent. Consent is the golden rule of dominance. Without that, and their submission, you’re fucked. Consent means asking for permission, respecting boundaries, and always, always checking in with your sub.


I once had a submissive who thought consent was a suggestion, not a requirement. They’d push my boundaries, ignore my safe words, and generally make me feel uncomfortable. Instant block; if someone can’t respect you, they’re not worth your time(even the ones promising to send money).


A true Dominant understands that communication is everything in BDSM. It is the backbone of any good dynamic. You need to be able to express what you want, what you expect, and what you’re feeling. Trust me, it’s not always easy. I’ve had moments where I’ve stammered and stumbled over my words, trying to explain why I felt uncertain or overwhelmed. But every time, my sub listened, adjusted, and ensured I was okay.


Before any play begins, discuss:


  • Limits and boundaries (both yours and your submissive’s): Understand each other's comfort zones and respect them.


  • Hard and soft limits: Know the activities that are absolutely off-limits (hard limits) and those that might be negotiable (soft limits).


  • Safewords and nonverbal signals: Establish safewords and nonverbal cues that indicate when to stop or slow down.


  • Desired power exchange and relationship structure: Discuss the dynamics of your relationship, including who makes decisions, how conflicts are resolved, and what roles each of you will play.


One time, I was in the middle of a scene, and my sub started to look uncomfortable. I paused, checked in, and asked what was wrong. They admitted they were feeling anxious about a particular sensation. We talked it out, adjusted the scene, and it turned into a great learning experience. From then on, we always discussed new sensations and boundaries beforehand, which is why pre-scene negotiations, safe words, and even safe signals are great. Trust and communication in the dynamic helped, because I could see the behavior change and adjust quickly so we BOTH have fun.


Checking in regularly before and after scenes ensures that both partners feel heard and respected. Open and honest communication builds trust and enhances the overall experience. This dynamic is about exploring some of the submissives’ most vulnerable selves. They are trusting you, but might not always speak up without feeling that there is safe communication. 



4. Learn to Control Without Force


Being dominant doesn’t mean being physically forceful. It means controlling the situation with presence and intent. Ways to establish control include:


  • Commands: Give clear, concise directions. For example, “Kneel” is more powerful than “Would you kneel for me?” Be direct and authoritative in your instructions. It is not a request.


  • Rituals and protocols: Establish routines and rituals that reinforce your authority, such as having your submissive greet you in a specific way or use honorifics. Having rituals creates a daily habit that reinforces thinking about you. 


  • Deliberate touch: A firm grip, a guiding hand, or a slow caress can be more powerful than brute strength. Use touch intentionally to convey your dominance.


5. Develop Patience and Discipline


Great dominance isn’t rushed. It takes time to build trust and develop a strong dynamic. Here are some tips to help you cultivate patience and discipline:


  • Observe your submissive’s reactions and adjust accordingly: Pay attention to their responses and be willing to adapt your actions based on their comfort and enthusiasm. 


  • Stay in control of your emotions: If you lose control, you lose the dynamic. Keep your emotions in check to maintain your authoritative presence.


  • Give rewards and punishments thoughtfully: These should serve a purpose in training, reinforcement, or pleasure, not just as random actions. Be deliberate and consistent in your use of rewards and punishments.


Patience is what separates an experienced Dominant from someone merely playing a role. Take your time to build a strong, trusting dynamic with your submissive. Trust is the foundation of any good dominance. The submissive needs to trust you implicitly, knowing that you have their best interests at heart (yes, even in a “ruin my life” dynamic). And building that trust takes time. It’s not something that happens overnight.


I had a submissive once who was all about the quick and dirty. They wanted to jump straight into heavy impact play without building up to it. I was hesitant, but they assured me they knew what they were doing. Spoiler alert: they didn’t. And they got to learn an important lesson. Trust your instincts, and don’t be afraid to set boundaries.



6. Cultivate Your Dominant Persona


Every Dominant has their own unique style. Are you a strict and formal Master? A sensual and teasing Domme? A playful and mischievous Top? Exploring different energies will help you find your natural expression of dominance. Ways to develop your style include:


  • Experiment with different play styles: Try out sensory play, impact play, service dynamics, and more to see what resonates with you and your submissive.


  • Observe how different Dom(me)s carry themselves: Learn from others in the community and adapt their techniques to fit your own personality. I have seen it recommended to try to take on and impersonate different roles how you think they would act in situations, dress, moves, etc. 


  • Find a name or title that resonates with your dominant self: Choose a name or title that feels authentic and empowering.


Your dominance should feel genuine to you. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Embrace your unique style and let it evolve naturally over time.


7. Never Stop Learning


Being a Dominant is an ongoing journey. BDSM is vast, and there’s always something new to explore. Stay open to:


  • Reading books and articles on BDSM psychology and techniques: Expand your knowledge and understanding of the dynamics at play. Finding good authors, or local communities, sites like fetlife or kink/area specific ones. 


  • Attending munches, workshops, and online discussions: Engage with the community to learn from others' experiences and gain new insights.


  • Seeking mentorship from experienced Dominants: Find a mentor who can guide you and provide valuable advice based on their own experiences.


  • Getting feedback from your submissive(s): Regularly seek feedback to understand what works and what doesn’t, and be open to making adjustments. It’s important to remember that you are both always growing. 


The best Dominants are those who are always striving to improve. Stay curious and committed to your growth as a Dominant.



Book Recommendations

Here are some highly recommended books that delve into the art of being dominant in BDSM:


1. "The New Topping Book" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy - This book is a comprehensive guide for tops, dominants, and switches. It covers a wide range of topics, including communication, negotiation, and various play techniques. It's an essential read for anyone looking to improve their dominant skills.


2. "The New Bottoming Book" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy - While this book is primarily for submissives, it provides valuable insights into the dynamics of power exchange, which can be incredibly beneficial for dominants to understand their partners' perspectives.


3. "SM 101: A Real-World Guide to Kinky Sex" by Midori - Midori's book is a practical and accessible guide to BDSM, covering everything from basic techniques to more advanced play. It's a great resource for dominants looking to expand their skill set.


4. "The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role-Play and the Erotic Experience" by Tristan Taormino - This book offers a detailed exploration of various kinks and fetishes, providing dominants with a broad understanding of different play styles and how to incorporate them into their practice.


5. "The Loving Dominant" by John Warren - This book focuses on the emotional and psychological aspects of dominance, offering insights into how to build a loving and respectful dynamic with your partner.


6. "The Complete Guide to BDSM: From A to Z" by Tristan Taormino - Another excellent resource by Tristan Taormino, this book provides an in-depth look at the world of BDSM, covering a wide range of topics from beginner to advanced levels.


7. "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism" by Philip Miller and Molly Devon - This classic book offers a deep dive into the psychology and emotions behind BDSM, providing dominants with a greater understanding of the power dynamics at play.


8. "BDSM for Beginners: A Guide to Kinky Sex and Erotic Play" by Stella Harris - This book is a great starting point for those new to dominance, offering a clear and concise introduction to the basics of BDSM, including safety, communication, and various play techniques.


Resources:

Dominant guide. The Dominant Guide. (2024, May 23). https://dominant-guide.com/


Dominant personality - traits, Behaviors & How to assess. Thomas International. (n.d.). https://www.thomas.co/resources/type/hr-blog/dominant-personality-traits-behaviors-how-assess


Hall, S. (2025, May 11). How to be dominant: Taking charge in & out of the bedroom. wikiHow. https://www.wikihow.com/Be-Dominant


How to be dominant: 6 tips for being dominant in the bedroom - 2025. MasterClass. (n.d.). https://www.masterclass.com/articles/how-to-be-dominant


#1 Guide for Social Skills & Life Success - Travis, Power University Alumnus, Eddie, The Power Moves. https://thepowermoves.com/

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